Spring pops out color in the trees

The cleanse is going well.  It's a little annoying to be conscious of every little thing I put in my body - no cheese please; hold the mayo; is that vegan?  A little annoying, but totally worth it.  My body feels good.  I've been riding my bike for exercise and I am thinking of getting back into sculling.  It is one of the most peaceful forms of exercise I can think of.  You get in the boat, glide into the still water, and watch your body cause momentum.  A kind of kinetic yoga that offers a sexy source of vitamin D and natural touches of blonde.

I read the bible from cover to cover while in Nicaragua recently.  It was a challenge - I gained a lot, but I never sat down to read as if it were natural.  I like the style of the current reading schedule, it is a snippet of the whole bible, but literally takes me a few minutes to read.  I find my self reading several times throughout the day and remembering the gist of the excerpt.

I think my body is programmed to yearn for adventure as Spring pops out color in the trees.  I'm getting curious and I think I'm going to block out September as my annual adventure month.  I have contacted the non-profit in California who I worked with while in Nicaragua to see if they would be interested in sending me to another coffee farm to work on a new documentary project.  I have better equipment and a matured take on how to produce the project.  We'll see, I think I can make it happen.


I have worked the caffiene demons from my system.

The Lenten season is well under way and I am on the first day of my thirty-day Fat Wednesday cleanse. Essentially, I will be eating a vegan, predominately organic diet. No boozing or smoking. No coffee. Daily meditation and bible reading. Daily physical workout. Attention to personal relationships and dedication to professional growth.  The cleanse officially began today and will officially end on Easter Sunday.

My withdrawals from coffee are severe on this day, but my migraine is shared with one of my roommates who has decided to partake in the eating portion of this cleanse.  I can hardly believe one year has passed since the last Fat Wednesday. New Braunfels is long gone - trumped by a six month stint in a Mexican-Jewish bakery, a 3 month stint on a Nicaraguan farm, and a home plate run to Austin. Virtually everything about my life is different than it was a year ago and I am happy.  It was an insanely intense last year, or for that matter, last two years and I am finally fealing the earth beneath my feet settle.  The cleanse had such moving effects on my life the first time around, I figured - why not do it again?  I have full confidence that this cleanse will be purely executed and give me a healthier, happier perspective on life.

Here's the bible study I'm going to follow.
1 The Fall of Humanity Genesis 3:1–19
2 A People for God Genesis 28:10–15; 32:22–28
3 The Ten Commandments Exodus 20:1–17
4 Sacrifices Required Under Law Leviticus 5:14–19
5 Punishments for Sin Under Law Leviticus 20:7–27
6 Obedience From Love Deuteronomy 11:13–21
7 Cycles of Disobedience Judges 2:10–19
8 The People Demand a King 1 Samuel 8
9 Saul Fails and Is Rejected 1 Samuel 15:17–23
10 Many Kings Fail Jeremiah 1–17
11 The Sin of the People Ezekiel 20:5–26
12 An Eternal King Promised Jeremiah 23:1–6; Isaiah 9:6–7; Zechariah 9:9–10
13 The Promised King Is Born Luke 2:1–20
14 The Word Became Flesh John 1:1–18
15 Signs and Miracles of Authority Matthew 9:1–8; Luke 13:10–17
16 Jesus Fulfills the Law Matthew 5:17–20; Romans 8:1–4
17 Jesus Teaches About New Life John 3
18 Jesus Willingly Taken John 18:1–11
19 Jesus’ Death and Resurrection Luke 23:44—24:12
20 Christ a Sacrifice for All Hebrews
21 God’s Wrath Explained Romans 1:18–32
22 God’s Judgment Explained Romans 2:5–11
23 Righteousness by Faith Romans 3:9–26
24 Life Through Christ Romans 5:12–21
25 Life by the Spirit Romans 8:1–17; Galatians 5:16–26
26 Living Sacrifices Romans 12
27 Walking in the Light 1 John 1–2
28 Living for God 1 Peter 1–11
29 Love for one Another 1 John 3:11–24
30 Promise of Eternity 2 Corinthians 5:1–10; Revelation 21:1–4


new blog....



La Vida Rustika

I’m sorry, writer’s block. The settling, here in the foggy goggles, made introspective contemplation less easy.

This is an extension of Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday was a thirty day cleanse I did. It was a lent thing. Easter ‘was yesterday’/edited from ‘is today’/edited from ‘is in two days’/edited from ‘Yesterday the cleanse ended. I think I’m getting it.

I started Lent with the mission that my life had to change. I was in a state of almost complete rejection – a job that didn’t match; a town that didn’t match; an undefined relationship flourishing with fights and makeups; friends distant; family bloated; and general disorganization of my compartments. I cut myself off. I cut myself off from communication with these discombobulated forces. Essentially, I cut myself off from communication from my relationships and I tried, adamantly, to recognize my current state for what it was.

I identified and organized my compartments, my relationships to happiness. What ultimately happened, at the end of the cleanse, was the true dismantling of all these unorganized relationships. I now work at a Jewish-Mexican bakery, in the town where all my recent friends live in a home where I feel completely comfortable and I feel confident that I am going to see my family frequently and fully. I am in a state now, where I can forgive my insecurities and have faith that life goes how it goes.

I am here, back at Salento, having my glass of wine and listening to Latin ambient beats. It takes three weeks to feel like habit. I am here, on Easter Sunday, capitalizing the end of the cleanse and starting fresh.

The Mexican-Jewish bakery is my new home. It is a good option. I am learning business; I am learning Spanish; I am testing the likeability of the industry. There is room to fit in and there is room for growth. It is a great learning arena on how to run a show, how to work within a force bigger than myself. It takes teamwork to make something a real success – this is a cool team. This job keeps me focused away from unnecessary distractions and helps cherish my time. I see a clear picture of a time well spent, in the ball of fortune.

Working is a whole kind of education. College was a different part of my person that I was educating - this is a new side. I am here with the Salvidorian, with the Mexicans, with the Guatemalan, with the classes (high and low). This is a stepping stone – the equivalent to any moment between camouflaged youth and adulthood.

I am teaching Munletos to write in English. He is one of the cooks at the bakery. When it’s slow, I teach him English. I am using my Spanish, as it is the primary language to all but myself and DC.

I feel movement in people easily. The intensity of hostility at the hotel served to deaden my hypersensitivity a bit. Life in the last year has served to simmer my sensitivity. Not necessarily a bad thing – likely a good thing. It is a blessing to see your surroundings, but learning how to take them in is wise. I like my job because I fit. I want life to be for growth that I reflect on fondly.

Taking action on a problem is very hard to start, but not necessarily painful to do. Turbulence is uncertain and uncomfortable, but focusing on your energy, and where you give it, allows you peace. Every moment is an opportunity to start focusing your energy – movement will give direction. If you live life actively, opportunities are not missed – they revolve. Neutral and peaceful feelings come with patience and faith.

I live now and I live here. I have identified the forces to my happiness. A goal oriented outlook, is consciously filling these needs with nourishment. My body, my spiritual, my relationships, my self, my work, my hobbies – these relationships need conscious action to serve their purpose. Removing unhealthy forces and strengthening the healthy ones.

Aesthetic relationship is the magic pen that Jenna gave me. It is the pen that writes of waking early, of living wholly. Less sleep, means more time to live. Less sleep, means a healthy lifestyle, alignment of relationships.

The aesthetic, the artist, the visionary – consciously lives my family, my friends, my passions, my hobbies, my career, my significant other, my health, my solo, my aesthetic.

My pen, my aesthetic - would write of waking early and drinking a glass of water. Brushing my teeth and washing my face with cold water; moving my body to slight exertion and putting the coffee on; meditating with the morning; meeting a friend at Rothko; working at the bakery and having dinner plans; feeding my social hunger through learning, through volunteering, through spiritual; sitting by myself at Salento with a glass of chilled white wine, writing; getting in the Pri to meet my family.

Living as a modern day farmer, where my output matches my input. Life is vastly uncontrollable. Consciously discovering and practicing faith make the little white papers in the fortune cookies ceremonial.


I can frolic.

I shut my eyes and jumped with faith that jumping would sift my life into order. My jump into this cleanse was both conscious and spontaneous. My only motive, my only plan was to find happiness and peace of mind. It’s as if, in committing to the goal of being happy, everything else just came into place. In many ways, it happened almost as if I had prayed for it to happen.

Selfishness is the most selfless act. Selfishness is exclusive regard to one's own interest or happiness. Selfishness has a negative connotation because it generally means that you are hurting someone else in the name of your own well being. Real pain cannot be felt by others as a result of genuine selfishness. Acting in accordance to your true want for happiness is your duty as a body of god.

The cleanse, the selfishness, the mission, the seclusion – did not magically fix anything. My insecurities still exist. My life is simply compartmentalized and manageable. The healthy slate, from which I work, is clean.

The inability to define the distinction exists. Seeing him was emotional. Undoubtedly, my heart is still there. A deep connection, a powerful sync - is what we have had from the first moment and is what will pilot in fashion unendingly. We have shifted. Our geography no longer sleeps and our pace is disjointed. While it surely could be a beautiful life, risk makes the heart apprehensive. An apprehensive heart is of little value.

Realizations come. The fear of a realization - out of compliance with personal desires - disables. Fear has brought me nowhere. Life will happen as it happens, with or without fear. Fear of the uncontrollable only creates unease. Life is vastly uncontrollable.

Houston is where I am. Houston is a big city with people moving around. I am one of two point five million. I can frolic.


This path feels like digestion, rather than constipation.

It has been a month since I started this process. Everything has changed dramatically. I am happy. Tomorrow, I am going to sit and write. Sit and reflect. I have sorted so much and this has truly been a life changing experience.

The month ended much quicker than I thought it would. I am in a healthy place. I feel like I am in the right place at the right time.

I'm off to share wine and pasta with company!


Bathing the house with a hose.

I came to Big Mom and Big Dad's Saturday after work. The offer was quick and genuine and I took it in the same manner - I am the newest roomate of Fielding and Flossie. Their goodness is obvious and the opportunity to know them is very cool. This is a unique moment - sharing a home with two extraordinarily wise, humble, and healthy individuals.

Tomorrow I will wake at 7am and take a brisk jog. I am happy about the job, I am happy about the living situation, I am happy about Houston. Tomorrow, I want to start my daily routines. Wake at 7, jog for 15, meditate for 15, shower, coffee, dress, work...maybe rothko chapel again? or a bike ride? or a coffee with jane? I like my new terrain.


white note in my cookie...

I woke up thinking about Javier.

I liked Rustika. I like the owner. I spent most of the day with him and the manager Cory. Cory is a little bit older than me...from DC. Working with them felt like hanging out; funny, easy-going, easy conversation. Rustika is a cafe serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They serve gourmet coffee and are reviewed as one of the best bakeries in all of the city.

I left the cafe and went by Whole Foods on my way back to the crashing couch. I picked up a little snack and enjoyed the Austin-like comfort of Whole Foods. I felt confident and natural.

Sarah came home from work and we chatted briefly as she finished packing for the trek to Colorado. Sarah's gone, Jenna's gone, Jon is gone. The feeling I get in this city is similar to the one I had out at Sarah's ranch. I like feeling their nearness.

I had veggie and tofu pad thai for dinner. The fortune within my cookie was appropriate and hopefully true. You will soon emerge victorious from the maze you've been traveling in.


moon shoes

Everyone jumped on his case for breaking up with her. He got an offer and broke up with her. They had a seemingly happy relationship, but he didn’t want it anymore. He was chastised by mutual friends that he was cold for breaking it off with her. I don’t think that is right. Kudos to a guy that can spell it out. He didn’t want a future with her beyond the current state, so he told her. I would consider this situation unique, in a good way.

People are nice in Houston. Houston is an undiscovered territory. Houston is moving, maybe in a way that is new to me, but it is moving. Austin is like an old boyfriend that got cool - you know how they kiss, but you're not connected. Newby is beautiful and probably a great place to live, but it is too abstract. The idea of leaving everything and moving to a town where you have no one is unnatural for me. I moved there alone – without my moon shoes.

Rustika Cafe

The Houston investigation has been extended.

An Argentinian cafe and bakery specializing in gourmet coffee and occasion cakes with large focus on catering has shown its icing top.

A two-sided application and brief chat with the owner opened the doors. Leonardo offered me trial employment. Basically, I am working the weekend. If I like it and he likes me, it's a deal. I don't know what I will be doing or how much it pays, but he said - if you work hard, I pay well. We will see! Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday will be the first feasibility assessment of Houston as my new home.

At the moment, I am sitting in Salento. It is a great little joint in Rice village. It smells fresh. I like to pretend I am somewhere in Europe when I sit here - an instant vacation when I sit. A largely accented staff with a manicured and refined demeanor induces a a harmonious escape from the unfamiliar disjointed Urban pallet.

I don't need everything. I need my friends, my family at a Priusable distance, and a few places that ignite me.

the circle of friends.

A hope in life is for your plans to follow how you genuinely perceive them going. When this is not the case, your security lies in faith - in faith that if you are living a healthy life - you will live humbly through.

When this disruption occurs, practice healthy choices. Your healthy choices will be exemplified by soft voices and an empathetic heart.

When your forsight is not the case, do not have fear in turning away and do not make choices on hasty emotions. Faith that a healthy life is your North star will make the journey more lit.

What is my healthy? eating well; physically fit; positive focus; cultural stimulation; structured day; close friendships; new friendships; close family; respect to time; ongoing education; concious feelings, emotions, and thoughts; sleeping well; awake well; religion; meditation; challenge; reward; introspection; worth; actively thoughtful.


the gift of a friend

My very own Ideal Pen.

Jenna gave me the magic pen along with a note. She is a talented perfectionist and has actively chosen her focus points and continually seeks balance. She gave me the pen as a sorting tool.

Here is what the pen is writing right now. A job as a barista at a sweet smelling coffee shop - location is Houston. My days would be spent at the coffee shop, working out, cooking good meals, being with my friends, making new friends, going to cultural exhibits, having Monday night dinner at my grandparents’ house, volunteering for an organization, going home once a month, cooking great food and eating healthy, finding my place as a believer, seeking to find the spirit of a new town.

With momentum comes direction. I want to open a coffee house one day. I want to be a business owner. Movement will give me direction.


Los jeans.

I found a potential match, but he didn’t fit me everywhere. Like a pair of jeans you try on, your ass looks awesome, but the pockets in the front have rhinestones. Almost a good fit, but the wrong pockets.

I want to, only if, they are the best fit.

This pair felt good, but it lacked acceptance of the aesthetic and commitment. My aesthetic training is my being, aesthetic acceptance is commitment. This disconnect caused disruption, they did not find balance.

The jeans looked perfect, they were a little uncomfortable at the ankles, but everything that mattered fit perfect on my hips. They were too much, I couldn’t tell if they would withstand. The cost somehow exceeded my perceived worth of the jeans. I liked the jeans, but the cost was not in balance with my perceived internal return prospects.

Time will pass before you open your closet and imagine outfits without mourning the unpurchased jeans, but time is the cure for the nostalgic spirit.

I no longer feel a needed pause. I think Houston is the best match. My stimulating support system is there.


Everytime I wanna quit...

I’m going out with Alison to the Black Well Pub. She is my cousin. Cousin defined as her Dad is my Dad’s cousin. She seems very real. I’ve met her once in adulthood, however we spent many family reunions teamed up. Dan and my Dad have always been really close. They have recently rekindled a friendship and I think it is great. My Dad needs more friends, my Mom too. Just a few. Not a lot. But they are the coolest people, I want them to get credit for that. Everybody loves them. People admire my parent’s and the life they have - a real relationship, a real family, a real day to day existence. They are two incredible individuals and together, the force is immense.

Home for dinner.

I came to see my parents. With everything that has been going on, seeing them was a natural movement. We drank red wine and made a beautiful dinner. We touched on everything and they are calm and I am calm. My calmness is here and the unknown of it’s stay makes me insecure, but I feel it now. I can feel this inner coagulation taking effect and it feels peaceful.

I had a conversation with my dad that we have only lightly tapped, never really touched. It inspired me and furthered my calm state.

If you know about it, and you understand it, and you deny it – you are worthy of judgment at the gates. Few, if any, understand it, but many “accept” it. The “acceptance”, the blindness, is faith. Love god completely and love your neighbor as yourself - that’s all you have to do. Understanding the complexities is not a mortal ability, so faith is the option. Faith is acceptance. Acceptance is the way to everlasting life.



A little background info on Taylor. She is 21 years old, but seems like a child. She is extraordinarily focused on the holy. I would call her sheltered, but I don't quite think that describes her. In one of our most premature conversations, she talked about her life as a Pentecostal Christian. Her interests on facebook are listed first by Jesus Christ; favorite books topped with the Bible. She went to Baylor for a semester, but then quit because she wanted to be a missionary. She is here, saving to go. Obviously, me and this girl, are a bit different.

She asked me to go with her to an after school program for underprivileged kids. Students receive homework assistance, play academic games, participate in a Bible study, practice reading, enjoy enrichment activities, eat dinner, and pray with a mentor. There I met a woman who had been at the hotel Saturday for the wedding. She remembered me.

A kid has never read to me before. Alexia said polka dots, but read spots. Margaret read well, but was distracted by every noise, movement, commotion. A fifth grader read at a kindergarten level. The chubby one read well. The shy one read well, but didn't want to read.

I met another girl in the art room. She was very frank and very interested. She asked me how I knew Taylor, I told her from work. She asked how I liked work, I told her March 1 was my last day. Did you quit or were you fired? Fired. Kind of an odd question, but I didn't mind telling her. That question kind of distracted me from the rest of our conversation, but she said something that indicated we were kind of in the same boat. She graduated from TLU in May.

I had a good feeling being there. An unfamiliar feeling. Like you could feel the energy, like the intensity produced both comfort and anxiety. Kids have a lot of energy. Selflessness has a lot of energy. These two forces in a kid-sized gymnasium produce a lot of rapidly moving molecules.

I think I'll go back.

I'm feeling lighter.

First weekly Tequila Tuesday was a success. Tiana and Luke came over and we got the needed supplies at the down-the-street grocery. Tiana brought her black love child (puppy pug) and we got mauled at the checkout counter. As we were exiting, two old women frantically drove across the parking lot and did the universal signal “roll down your window”. Naturally, I rolled it down. They went into a 5 minute window chat about the dog. It was a little twilight zone. Tara showed up just in time with a bottle of Jose Cuervo. We listened to Tejano and ate beef and veggie fajitas.

Obviously, “what the hell is Allix going to do now?” was discussed over margaritas. They were really pushing for me to stay in New Braunfels – and it is probably not a bad option…

Just for reassurance to any in doubt, I’m not completely lost. Life is short, but it is long too. When I am 85, the May 2009 to May 2010 is not going to look as ridiculous as it might seem today. My path is seeming less dense, less obstructed. My feet feel lighter and my confidence that this path is leading somewhere is boosting. Where? I have no idea, but I am trekking, thus it will lead.

I’m off on an adventure. Taylor, church-freak, asked me to go read with some underprivileged kids...probably going to be a fruitful experience.

Just to organize the web, Tiana, Tara, and Taylor are from the hotel. Luke is Tiana’s friend.


Today is a blessing, tomorrow hasn't happened yet.

Hunter and Ben,

Had we met under different circumstances, I feel like this could have been a great match.

I learned a lot about the food and beverage business while working for your organization and I have been propelled in a new direction I possibly would not have gone to without this experience.

What did I learn?
Organization is everything.
Communication is everything.
Time is everything.
Hospitality is everything.
Leadership is everything.
Rules are everything.
Attitude is everything.
Standards are everything.
Teamwork is everything.
Morale is everything.
Synergy among colleagues is everything.
Commitment is everything.
Knowledge is everything.
Teaching is everything.
Tolerance is everything.
Organizational culture is everything.
Attention is everything.
Integrity is everything.

There is a lot to be. Unfortunately, I am fairly inexperienced. It was simply the wrong moment to oblige this opportunity.

I appreciate the chance and I hope to cross paths again in the future. Keep up the hard work and best of luck to both of you in your future endeavours.



Underpaid and overworked...but it's better than no pay and no work

I am tired. Today was one of those 12 hour days.

Tomorrow is inventory at work. I always feel the intensity of inventory day. It's kind of like torture. You want it to happen fast and painlessly, but it feels like slow motion. It also happens to fall on the last day of my week, which makes me even more anxious to get the hell out of there!

After last week's 8 days in a row, this week flew by! I have quite a to do list and I am ready for it. I am ready for the weekend!!!

I want to do my laundry...at a laundromat.
I want to Rainbow(vacuum) my house.
I want to go grocery shopping.
I want to go to the coffee shop.
I want to go to the library.
I want to paint.
I want to cook.
I want to drink wine.
I want to aimlessly be online.
I want to read.

I am ready for my days off!!


Control Freak!

Today was crazy busy at work. I woke up, worked out, cleaned my house, and left for the job a bit earlier than usual. Today there was a wedding. I think it was a second matrimony for both involved, but it was beautiful none the less. Weddings are fun! I like the whole ceremony of the marriage thing.

I started thinking about how scary it must be. Not only are you about to jump into a life-long commitment with someone else, but you have a bunch of people watching you do it. Marriage is scary. You are essentially bringing your life together with someone who is their own. They have their own habits, their own history. I want to get married, but I think it is far too intense for me right now. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person, but how do you know? How do you know when the person is right? I only want to get married if I know the person is in it for the long haul, for life. How do you know this though? How do you know that the person is going to stick with you through the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, the you and the not you? How do you know that the person is strong enough to stay with you when you hurt them or when they hurt you?

I guess that’s what dating is. You date someone to figure out if they will stick around. If they stick around through the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, the you and the not you – then you probably can assume they are that way and they will be that way. This takes a while to see, I guess. You have to know someone a fairly substantial time to know if they are in it for the long haul. You have to be with someone a fairly substantial time to experience the highs and lows.

All of this longevity stuff is vital, but before it even matters, you have to fall in love. You have to meet someone that intoxicates you with who they are. I might just be really picky, but I have only experienced that once. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe I have experienced mutually once.

What I know at this point - every reason you won’t be with someone is essentially out of your control. You can only control yourself, no one else. If you want to be with the person and they want to be with you, a synergy will follow. If you can find a synergy with another, being in control of yourself and him in control of himself, then you are blessed. You cannot force synergy, you cannot control another. You can only control yourself and your choices and a synergy will follow if it is meant. That is hard when you think you know what you want and you are a control freak like myself.



To catch you up, I got a visit from a friend Wednesday. Showed up at a Shell gas station on a Greyhound, from Montana. Only a guy who takes off high school a few weeks to Hawaii, can show up in my town, on a Wednesday.

A road trip to German town and an am 6:30 flight to Montana Thursday. Quick trip, but it felt like a while. Picked up where we left off, easy. Conversation flowed, events flowed, just like old times. Obviously things had changed, but we both have changed.

Yesterday was officially the last day of week one, today is the first day of the second week. Week one was a success - I made it to week two. I am ready to put it into gear for the remainder of the cleanse, get serious. I want to take this time more seriously, I want to take control. The grace week is over.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I know that sounds cliche, but it is. The opportunity to focus on myself and myself alone.

Stick to a regimen. I have 21 days left of the cleanse, the amount of time it takes to create habit. If I live a healthy lifestyle from now until March 19, surely some of it will stick with me.

In order to make the most out of life, I have to plan. Weekly plan, daily plan, long term goals. Long term goals fluctuate to some extent. Weekly plans fluctuate less, daily plan is a regimen.

My daily plan during the work week is: wake up early, work out, eat a good breakfast, take care of daily aesthetic appeal, go to work, relax for a few hours, go to bed. Key to daily plan is waking up early.

Weekly plan is following the daily plan and organizing my days off. What do I want to do with the two days that are designated to my time? I have two days off from my daily regimen per week. What do I want to do?

Side note: cleanse. The word itself contains clean. When designated as a verb, it is the act of cleaning. I am cleaning my life. I am setting aside a month of my life to produce a clean state.



So, I am here. I am here on my day off. I am here at Tantra coffee house. I woke up this morning and cleaned my house a bit. I gathered my dirty clothes and went to lunch with Tiana. Tiana is from work. I am her boss. She is cool. Her name sounds ghetto, but she is not.

I ate a salad and we chatted with the waiter. Apparently, like A-town, everyone and their dog is in a band. Adam something band… He was a nice guy. Count of acquaintances is rising.

We are hiring a new kid at work. He is 9 feet tall and from Washington state. He just moved down here in January. He seems like a nice guy. Interviewed well.

I am 23 years old and I don’t remember a time that I have spent a weekend on my own. It’s kind of exciting. I got off work last night and went to the neighborhood liquor store. I got a bottle of organic red wine.

I came home, poured a glass and started making dinner. Red lentils and brown rice. I wrote a little, thought a lot, and watched a movie. The only ritual I have created in German town is a weekly library stop to pick up three Film Movement movies. All have been descent, some really good. I like watching these movies.

Last night I heard a Peace Corp commercial on the local college radio station. http://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=resources.media.psa.radio (“status update”).

It was kind of ironic because as I was listening to it, I was writing to update this blog, my status. The commercial appropriately mocked what I am doing at this moment in my life…the status update via blog.

I thought about the Peace Corp last night. I think it could be a good plan. Finish up the Operations Manager job with success, move to a Spanish speaking country, start a fair trade coffee program, move back to states in a few years, open a coffee house, have momentum, a lot of cool pictures, stories, and experiences. Just a thought.

It’s not completely random. I went through the first stage of applying about a year ago. The benefits would be a post-college experience, an international experience, an experience to propel me into the next phase of life. It would be the equivalent of law school, of grad school, of a prolonged travel.

If I could do the Peace Corp in a Spanish speaking country, in a coffee growing community, I would. The goal would be to set up a fair trade coffee program. This falls in line with my long-term of opening a coffee house. I want to see a world different than my own. I want to be thirty and be able to say that I lived abroad, that I speak Spanish.


Aesthetic appeal

What is my aesthetic relationship?

Aesthetic means the way I perceive tangibles. I, aesthetically, like a clean car. I like a clean house. I like a clean body. I like a put together look. I, aesthetically, like an organized computer.

I like an aesthetic house. I pay my bills on time. I put my things in a designated place. My kitchen floor feels good on bare feet. My carpet is clean because my Rainbow sucked it of filth. My furniture has a place and I like walking in my home. The room where my invisible, non-functioning washer and dryer go – is free of debris and organized.

My car doesn’t have a donut from a flat that happened days ago. I have CD’s, that I like, because my car has a CD player. I drive a Prius and I completely understand how it works. My car is free of debris, unless with reason.

I wash my face every morning and every night. I shave my legs. I chose my lotion, my perfume, my makeup consciously. I wear my clothes consciously.

My gadgets work.

I know my bike.

My Ipod rocks!

I throw away things that don’t match my current aesthetic appeal.

My fridge is filled with food I like and food that appeals to the image I want. I drink good wine and my food is beautiful.

My house works. I have what I need to live up to my aesthetic appeal.

Jonathan brushes his teeth with style. He has a gag technique that he starts every day with and ends every night with. He understands this relationship, this aesthetic relationship.

I aesthetically like an understanding of personal aesthetic appeals and capitalization of them without laziness.

Shift F7 says aesthetic means artistic; visual. The visionary, the artist in me, produces my aesthetic appeals. Dressing well, grooming well, driving well, living well. This is not to say, if I lived at a different level, my card board box wouldn’t be beautiful, wouldn’t be aesthetic.

I did the gruene ride today. It was awesome. After the ride, I went to the sauna. I did a breathing technique that I think really cleared my head. In as much as possible, hold. Out as much as possible, hold. The day is beautiful. My front door is open facing the pool and my back door is open facing the river. If it is pretty this weekend (Tuesday, Wednesday) I am going to go down by the pool and take some sun.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me to get out of the house and go ride. I don’t know why, it cleans my body so well. But, like a dirty kitchen, it is hard to get the courage to start the process. On my ride I thought about something cool and parallel. Pot holes are scary and they are inevitable. When in a kayak, a raft boat, a bike, swimming – when you hit turbulence, you should give all your power – that is the only way you can get through with success - without crashing or drowning. Then I started thinking. This 30 days is my push. I am in a turbulant moment and I am going to give my power to get to a placid place.

Side note Graham cracker...aesthetic appeal, I’m rolling my own organic cigs.


Southern Baptist fashion show and penny pincher QuinceaƱera…all in a days work

I was a student, in a care free state. I was a student in a system that I knew and felt comfortable in. My time felt free and it felt mine. Compartmentalizing my life was relaxed and fluid and natural. An obstacle to time control meant occasional class visits and cram sessions. Life was free and life felt easy. My ass got kicked out of that state.

Now, I’m living in T – 50 per week. I go to work for nine to ten hours of my awake time!!! In order to fulfill anything of my own control, I need to adjust my awake state accordingly. All of the sudden, my perception of my time is distorted. My carefree life in a relaxed time, everything relaxed, now feels like a state of intense crammage. My perception of my time is infinitely less. All of a sudden, all in a matter of a two hour ceremony and a piece of paper.

I need to understand how to relate to my compartments. Anything of my own control represents my compartments - my family relationships, my friend relationships, my passion relationships, my hobby relationships, my career relationship, my significant other relationship, my health relationships, my solo relationship, my aesthetic relationship. I have to create a new synergy for all these relationships, into my own relation, with perception of time.

Typical answer: get married to someone who is your bestfriend, who shares your passions and shares your habits, who enjoys doing the same things you do and turns you on to new things, who shares an understanding of their body and it’s needs, who respects and guides you to finding peace by yourself, who respects and presents with aesthetic awareness. Fairytale-esque?

Meaning lies in knowing myself and figuring out how to have synergy. How do I feed these relationships? Understanding. Understanding my relationships. Understanding my family, my friends, my passions, my hobbies, my career, my significant other, my health, my solo, my aesthetic - in relation to myself and my current state.


Here we go!

Ok. Let’s be honest, I’m really bad at big life transitions. I graduated in May; stumbled around College town for a bit; stumbled around A town for a while; stumbled around Mexico for a bit; came back to A town; breakup process commenced; “worked” for the brother as a means to have reason for lifting my body before noon. I got my ass in some kind of gear and found the hotel job. Operations Manager. Whatever; salary, benefits, and something to do.

I started the job while still living in the Winsted. Moving to the German town was sudden and transitory. One day after work, I had a place to go. I slept here, I worked there. I moved on December 1 and I have cooked a total of three times. Two of those three times were visitor induced. He comes, buys me groceries, then leaves. I refuse to cook or eat them because the food makes me sad. It’s transitory food.

I started November 16 and I have made zero attempt to make friends. I have had zero dinner parties. I have interacted (outside of work) with less than ten Germans. I have been forcing myself to ignore my reality. I don’t listen to Pandora. I have been frozen, shocked. I have spent the last months, watching my body move around and do things.

Abstinence is a human reset button. My friends and family both, I think, have given a true effort to help catalyze me out of this funk. Reluctantly, it is from within that I must focus.

It is time to take action. I have tossed the idea of the cleanse around for a while now. It is the season of lent. I am vowing to abstain for thirty days. My life is here in German town. My work is Operations Manager. My social interaction is here. My food, my health - here.

Guidelines of cleanse include:
Eating a vegan, organic diet.
Exercising daily, both social and solo.
Dedicating my attention to work.
Dedicating my attention to what I am feeling.
Abstaining from communication with family, friends, and Javier.
Putting myself in a social situation daily (outside of work).
Attention to spiritual.

I am sure along the thirty days I will find things that need to be added to these guidelines. Anyways, this is the official start day. The idea arose on Fat Tuesday. I tried to kick it into gear, but this is a huge journey and step towards happiness - clearly it took a few days to prepare myself mentally. Today I am ready and here we go. The cleanse officially starts today and officially ends March 19. I know it is not the entirety of the Lent season, but that freaks me out. A month seems manageable, reasonable.

I love you all and I hope you follow my blog. Honestly, the idea of doing this makes me nervous; a little apprehensive. Apprehension or not, I need to do something extreme to get on track. It’s one of those things where I don’t necessarily want to, but I have to. Even an apprehension to the not-want exists, because in a lot of ways – I want to do this.